I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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