Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize