this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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