It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
