im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
