Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
