Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize