You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
