you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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