im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
