When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
