My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
