Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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