Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My bed smells like the plague
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
