What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
