I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
