I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
