So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
