She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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