Kiss
Puke
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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