i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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