Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Are these your boobs on my camera?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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