It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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