I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
