Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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