the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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