My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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