on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize