everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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