We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Apparently you make a good broom.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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