My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
