Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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