I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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