It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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