i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
