He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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