We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
