Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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