saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
