My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
