What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
