Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
