I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
