:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
