the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
