Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
