i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
