The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
