I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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