Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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