sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
