do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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