If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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