I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
