rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
