sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
