I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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